a colored spectrum

aunt agony rquired

think muz bring Joshua for relationship counselling...
i think i need counselling too.... can anyone please enlighten us?
Joshua's becoming very cranky, insecure, weird and bad-tempered... like a landmine...!!!

part of it is due to me.
i am insensitive and rather nonchalant to a large extent.
never really bothered about how my actions would affect others. never let other pple's actions bother me, aka, i dun dictate what they do or shld not do.
i don't think too much too deep into anything... so my guard's pretty low. i am not a street wise girl. thus easily cheated and betrayed.... ( 2 times of Bastard Incidents already...)
maybe i shld really be more skeptical about this society at large,
instead of alwiz having joshua worry / think on my behalf.

it's time to be responsible to myself. not let others shoulder my responsibility for me.

he is very tired. he is tired of thinking too much on my behalf.
he reads into everything i say or do. but i say things without thinking too much anyway.
just speak my mind everytime ( comes with its pros and cons... )
some people i hang out with, he doesn't approve of.
i am too exciting for him to a certain degree.
alwiz on the lookout for fun stuff to do, and never think of their implications.

one man's 'fun' is another's disapproval.

he felt that i am now very fussy, n i wasn't so in the past... ( i thought i was alwiz hard to please?)
i used to be very easy going.... (right.... it was a beautiful disguise...)
but now, i am picky with my food, places i go, and activities we do etc.
he asked why i gave Jared n Benson a much easier time?
he felt that i submitted to their wishes when i went out with them.
but with him, i am so harsh and difficult... what is the reason?!

i guess, we tend to 'bully' pple whom we are very close to?
coz we know that they would make concessions for us?
ok, i should not take people who love me for granted...
but, i was easy going with jared n benson coz they are my friends?!
even when we dated, we were FRIENDS. they are not my boyfriend!
so what? i cannot 'bully' them right!!!
that would be so unreasonable!!!

the other nite, i was lamenting that this relationship's not getting anywhere.
for that matter, it's jus getting worse. mundane and monotonous. oh so boring.
he asked, what do i plan to do? would i put in the effort to revive it? re-ignite the spark?
me being me, rationality determines me to invest my best efforts for some time to come...
say 3-4months?
if really can't help it... the relationship is still in dire state, then we should end it.
and move on in our own lvies coz it's tested and proven that it's not working!

my mentality is antithesis to his thinking...
he feels that for the better or worse, we should give our best effort and not leave each other.
i do want to be with him, i do love him a lot.
but, i am trying to seek a compromise between rationality and irrational emotions....
and bridge the distance between joshua and i.
what i feel is... i should do my best and trust God.
God only helps those who help themselves. therefore, do it well and patiently wait.
if it doesn't work out, do not hate each other. do not regret. it was good while it lasted =)

i told him to conc on his exams first, but he feels that he can't!
coz he's thinking of what stunts would i pull next on him.
he wants me to decide for myself whether i wanna stay in tis relationship in the long run...f
or the better or worse scenarios...
he wants to give up bothering excessively about me.

many times he refrains from pointing out my mistakes etc,
coz he doesn't wanna hurt my feelings and make me unhappy.
if he points out my mistakes, my wilfullness would flare up in self-defense.
i am spoilt and pampered. i want to win. i want my final say. i am used to people giving in to me...
but if he doesn't reprimand me... he also feels oppressed.
therefore, he now chooses to rather not say or think about anything.

i am very confused.
i also don't know what to do. i don't even know what to say...
he just asked me over msn... "should we break up?"

posted by Veen @ 19:35